CLJK consulting, san myshuno, 2:45pm
today is russ’s big pre-date with karlie. after watching elliot cover pretty much every bailey kay song, he went home and took a long look at his wardrobe. realizing he only wears 3 pairs of jeans and the same variation of plaid and denim, he quickly melted down and finally admitted to himself and carson (over text) that he actually does need help in the fashion department…..
carson: so, is she a coffee girl, a beer girl or a wine girl?
russ: beer girl. according to your choose-your-own-adventure dating spreadsheet and my low bank balance, we’re going to pour decisions.
carson: good choice. nice atmosphere. casual vibe. means she’s not particularly fussy or reserved. that’s good for you. it means you don’t have to be so stressed when you talk to her. come on out. let’s see how you look in this one.
russ slowly comes out of the dressing room
carson: (smiles) hmm, damn you look good. handsome even. how do you feel?
russ: um, like i’m too poor to be wearing this.
carson: (laughs) alright. we’ll put that one on the ‘maybe’ rack.
russ: so um, why a spreadsheet?
carson: i had to make that because i’d end up taking a different date to the same place two or three times a week. the staff would recognize me and snitch on me. i’d get into arguments over it with my date and it became really messy. plus i love a good spreadsheet, good data, finding out what makes people tick. that sort of shit.
russ: huh…so it got that bad that you needed to compile a spreadsheet…with exit points.
carson: yeah. i’ve been on many a bad date. if it got really bad, i’d just leave. after i pay the bill, of course.
russ: cold.
russ walks back into the dressing room
carson: (shrugs) why waste both of our time?
russ: i had no idea you were so um, detail oriented about dating….i just thought you went where your dick pointed.
carson: ruffles, i’m insulted. i’m detail oriented in every other aspect of my life: music, work, my own wardrobe, etc why wouldn’t i carry that over into dating?
russ: you have a point…thanks for all this though.
carson: not a problem. i can’t really go to most of those places on that spreadsheet anymore so i figured you could get some use out of them. come on out.
russ: (hesistant) i look….canadian.
carson: (laughs) you sure do, buddy. (smirks) you can pull off a vest but, not this one. put it in the maybe pile.
russ: thank god. can i have something normal? i feel douchey.
carson: (rolls eyes) fine. try that outfit on the rack for me please.
russ goes into the dressing room.
russ: (aggravated) i said normal. i’m not coming out in this get up…
carson: it can’t be that bad. come on out. let’s see. it’s just us here.
carson bursts into laughter.
carson: (hysterical) oh god, i’m sorry man, i wasn’t serious about this one. this was purely for my own amusement. it’s just rare to see you with no hat or flannel. we got this sample in last week and i just had to see what it looked like on a human….hold still, let me get a photo
russ: (furious) reach for your phone and i will punt you through these windows…
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